Why is it noone e'er sees a battle the sames way?
Lets me back up...
Twas a fine chilly spring morn. The kinds that makes yer nose tingle with the smell of fresh'n eart and clean aire. I wakes up in me barracks at The boys Den at TUR, which suits me jsut fine as I is named after a Wildecat. I straps on me axe, an takes a strolls over to the nourthe Sentries to gets some of that fine coffee Mrs. Outy brews. Shes got company o' one Feller named Repaymen o' the Yews Militia. Noticin me packs a bits light o' me regular battle ration o' reagents, I decides to takes a short skip inta Jhelom, an try to beats alls the rests of them reg buyers ats the shops.
I asks Mrs. Outy to keeps me a cup aside. Then heads out.
An' Lo!!!
Not one second I appears in Jhelom I gots 3 of the biggest meanest 300 pounds o' Ugly u'd ever wanna shake a stick at. Theyra lookin at me likes Im that mornins bac'n an eggs. N its not only thems I see, but scores..no, tens o' scores o' Ogres.
Oh greats! I thinks, I always gets the gold dance card. One of dem fellers takes a swings at me, an gets an nice cut hamstring for a return. I sides steps the next attack, an place me axe right in the back o the uglies 'ead as he follers throught too much. Third one takes a looks at the first two, an decides he rather have a muffin rather than me bac'n n eggs, an takes off hollerin, Now I donts know much Ogre lingo, ne'er really wanted ta.. Hes yellin sumthin like: Lurd! Lurd! An disappears aroun the Corner.
Well that was fun, me thinks, no more need for coffee... but it taint over yet, nots by a long shots.
About 3 seconds later, I hears a god awful sound comin backs around the cournre. Being the fools I am I just about runs face first inter the biggest ogre lourde Is ever seen. I now figgers out what that other Ogre been a yellin. Not takin the time fer kickin me own arse fer bein stupid, I starts runnin like hell!
Us turnip farmers aint cowards, buts we aints dumb either.
I jump back ta the nourthe Sentry to tell em the news, an hopefully gets some help.. I tells repayment an hes gots a look on his face like some one juss snatched his family jewels outta his jerkins. Gettin no responses I jumps back to Jhelom, now jess plain angry I got caughts with me chain leggins down.
I decides to try some o' me lil tricks I learnt from me ol' company Wizard: Relliks Darkbow. I starts trackin that there big feller, an its not too hard, I just follers the pieces of poor folks that gots in his way.
I finally tracks him down to them there fightin pits Jehlom is so proud o'. I looks around to gets a 'ead count o' nice -vs- nasty.. Lessee.... about 60, ifn theres one, ogres all dancin around in the Pits, I sees Repayment run by every once in a while, an I meets up with Mr. Reds William... orr whats left o' him. He managed to finds himself a healer after that Lourde pounded his skull right inter his thigh boots an he donts look pleased.
See'n that this 'ere fight needs some more backsbone, I decides to go'n kick Bon Scott outter bed.
Now'n if ye've ne'er mets the man lets me tell ya this: Say Sir,please an thanks, as he is about the deadliest man I e'er seen wield a weapon. I bets the man eats ingots an spits out razors fer fun. I donts wants ANYONE on the business end of his ire. It juss takes the energy outta me bones to gets ya breathin agin.
Me an' Bons jumps backs to Jehlom. An 'eads are way back to the pits, an I get me a feelin thats exactly whats its a gonna be. We 'eads inter the entrance an start carvin on Ogres asn if they'r Virtue Turkeys, an we 'avent ate in a year. Mean ol Mr. Lourde comes wobblin up the steps, lookin like hes juss tried to rape a dragon an lost, an me an bon and some other fellers decides its time fer his dirt nap.
I leaves the entrance after friskin the lourde fer papers an such, to tell Mr. Reds William that Lordes aint comin fer supper, I tells Red, get a grunt, but e' donts listen to us turnip farmers, they ne'er do.
Abouts this time I fugures all the rest is all about cleanup, an after practicing throwin some pillars of flame down into the mean nasties in the pits, I takes off to go home an report.
Later on I sees Mr. Red Williams take on the whole invasion. Guessn hes an I juss sees it different, but I was there from the gits go, an I juss calls em as I sees em.
Ocelot, Turnip Farmer.
To: The News